On Corruption

 On Corruption

In a great many ways corruption is something like a cold virus. A cold virus might be any number of differing viruses which share a set of symptoms which are widely known. Corruption also might be of many similar types and share symptoms which are widely known. A common cold virus is easily spread and might use a large number of vectors to find a host and become implanted. So too does corruption find its host using a large number of vectors to spread itself withing the sample of host availability. And finally, once a host is infected, or corrupted, the issue must run its course; there is little we can do to stop it without some abnormal treatment is found. Lets drop the virus analogy at this point and focus on corruption within any system.

Corruption is defined here as some factor of a system becoming deliberately misused to further an intrusion uninterested in the purpose of the system being targeted at it's onset. This can be simple. A small bribe might be offered to a doorman so that he will allow passage into a secure facility an information or further access is granted, while the building system, including the doorman, is designed to keep such intrusions out for specific reasons.

• These prohibited intrusions might be innocuous:

  • Such as a sports fan wishing to get a rare autograph.

• The corruption may be minor:

  • Such as a photographer wishing to confirm some rumor by photographing the actions of others without permission.

• The Corruption might be politically or morally positive in its intention:

  • The photographs show clear evidence of wrong doing by a corrupt person.

• Or corruption might be decidedly negative:

  • The photographs create evidence for blackmail of some person who himself is corrupt.
    

In these many ways corruption spreads, for the good, the bad, and the ugly purposes it finds. The Doorman is the object of the corrupter, he too may have good or bad purposes and intentions, the least of which are achieving the bride he receives. In the blackmail or positive versions above the corrupter spread corruption in a good or very bad cause, the Doorman might engage his services in hopes his actions bring about the end of the corruption being photographed because of his actions, and the money might be needed to fund other good causes. But the fact remains that no matter the cause, or effect, the corruption is spread, embeds itself in the host, and is frightfully difficult to remove without destroying the system under corrupt intent.

People who have been corrupted are often open to further corruption and few become immune from it, having been corrupted. More likely is that a person who has successfully corrupted another person will reinfect that person for further aims at later point, even if this is to find another victim with good or bad desires. The subject of a corrupting re-introduction is more likely to comply since the previous corruption is still a liability and undiscovered (no matter how minor).

The only way out might seem to be by taking care against corruptions, but this is nearly impossible, so we invent laws which levy stiff penalties when corruption is called out. These penalties offer opportunities for corruption if the corrupter finds a potential host which is not yet corrupted but can be made to look that way. Some minor slip up, omission, or misinterpretation that can be converted to a corrupting purpose can spread the corruption and make it difficult to remove. The corrupted, facing stiff penalties, but otherwise not a willing participant, may aid the corrupter further in an effort of self preservation. Again, this leads to a system built to handle corruption becoming corrupted. It is possible to corrupt the system until it no longer represents the reasoning behind creating the system in the first place and the laws protecting it.

The simple fact about corruption is that moral training and character building within a society is the best way of prevention. Teaching people right from wrong, and the voluntary nature of social contracting, allows a person to not become corrupted because becoming corrupted is anathema to the subjects themselves. A right thinking and un-corruptable person has no need of participating and the down sides of becoming involved are too dire. (Though even in the Amish community, with all of its moral safeguards and isolation from corrupting influences, corruption abounds.) The interior feeling of becoming a bad person, even if never found out by others, would drag on the subject and so the action being proposed that would corrupt the system would never take place or would become exposed. This is a straight arrow approach, something which the entire society must value and maintain. This is no silver bullet for corruption, though it is the simplest form of prevention.

Secondary guards and guideposts, things which protect the system by checking the parts for corruption or availability for corruption are expensive to build and maintain, but this is how intelligence systems usually protect themselves from corruption. Policing, policy checking, and immediately removing corruption when found might slow corruption possibilities, but no system can be free of the possibility inside or especially outside of the system in question.

A tertiary system assumes that corruption will happen to some extent. Knowing where corruption will most likely occur allows closely targeted monitoring of the system and contingency replacement of corrupted component parts before the system breaks down entirely under the weight of it's corruption. These systems set goals for lowering the amount of corruption opportunities available in a modular fashion. Wartime spy programs often allow some measure of corruption into their system to use in spreading corruption to the corrupter. Double agents are useful and can be monitored and checks placed upon the outcomes. Once no longer viable vectors, the double agents can be removed without further corruption of the system since the removal is implied at the onset. This third way is useful when a system is built to allow it, but stopping the corruption entirely usually is not practical, just delayed.

The fourth way a system becomes corrupted is entirely from the interior of the system. Some part of the system itself works against the goals of the other parts, leading to members taking on corruptions that stabilize the system. In police organizations this is an internal affirs office. A computer system might have exploits to bypass longer pathways to success in its functional routines, set by the designers as a boost to efficacy. An office manager may find that pens and note pads are being used at an unexpected rate because of unknown reasons, or misdirect resources for the betterment of the system improperly. This is the most common manner in which corruptions are introduced into systems, expediency and a willingness to pervert the system for its own good. We find this sort of corruption in police forces where unwritten policy replaces law enforcement policy and legality for the betterment of the system which somehow is insufficient in certain cases. Corruptions of this type are all too common, usually lead to ever increasing modes of unwritten policies which can eventually be indistinguishable from the laws they should pursue. Torture of a prisoner might become the quickest route to finding facts in some area of law enforcement, the torture being a corrupt practice. This practice becomes the system which can then be reinfected with further expedient corruptions, such as harsher treatments which lead into the death of the subject. This in fact does remove the problem, but is unjust and corrupt if the Legal system requires proof of guilt. These murders must be covered up to preserve the corrupted system and maintain the performative aspect of law giving. The law simply does not come into the conversation because all parties feel justified by their own actions. Law enforcement becomes an absurdity and public confidence fails as law enforcement must become draconian to maintain the good intended but corrupt system that it created. These dire outcomes are not necessary in this fourth manner of corrupting a system.

A person may simply be eating a candy bar that should have been included in the inventory to stave off the hunger of missing a lunch break so that the inventory could be done on time. WHile more fficient that stoppoing work and eating lunch as they should, this tax on business is quite a large part of the loss due to corruption. Eventually there will be people all over the place with empty wrappers in their trash receptacles, profits fail, employees are let go, etcetera. If policy and policing fail to provide a manner of prevention, then perhaps a focus on detection and removal is a better route to follow.

Laws, rules, and systems of policing the system under question are expensive, slow, and even slowing to the system efficiency. A fine system of post depression economics once called Keynesian Economic modeling worked very well to “right the ship” of world economies under the pressures of the Great Depression and World War Two; but Keynesian Economics was also thought to have laid the groundwork for “stag-flation” (an unintedned consequence which mimmicked the outcomes of  corruption) thirty years later and these theories were abandoned because government over spending and intermittent debt undermined the system which supported better outcomes. Loop holes were found in the Keynesian system and exploits allowed extravagant spending on military capacity and even thrift,  in an otherwise peaceful and prosperous world. The spending, needing a cause for continuance, drove war making and a need for more increased spending. Keynes never saw this coming in his system and it became corrupted by efficieny and a lack of prescience. Building a better mousetrap worked, the system worked well and easily, but the lack of any system of prevention lead into failure due to corruption none-the-less.

A multi-modal program of systems to keep corruption at manageable levels might be possible, but these are usually ad hoc systems of reaction to failure rather than planning for success. We might find that pens are being pilfered by most employees and put controls on the supply. This may momentarily slow the losses of pens, but also remove an incentive from employees dependent on that supply as a perk. Paying the employees not to steal pens might work until they find that they can indeed have the money and the pens both. Or a system may attempt to control the supply and choke itself in inefficiency, such as issuing bullets to soldiers in tightly controlled numbers too small to handle the threat whil teaching marksmanship, ammunition conversation, and spent case-counting, may help with the problem of spending too much on ammunition; or the system might attempt to restrict the amount of bullets that might go into a weapon in a finite amount of time. Each system layered in may have a deleterious effect somewhere else in the system.

Replacement of a system which has become corrupted seems the simplest means of insuring that corruption does not persist. In American Courts it is possible to replace a jury even during deliberation of a verdict, as juries are seen as only true when the verdict is only based on the evidence presented. A computer system which is open to prying might become corrupted in many ways, but replacing the system is inexpensive and easily accomplished on a routine basis. Data is locked down at a certain point where corruption is not present and then re-introduced at intervals to remove corruption by deletion. These seem very practical in systems where infrastructure is the thing. If a computer system routinely removes all changes to its data occasionally, corruption is indeed removed if never prevented. Changes in the data itself may need interventions and constant updating, but each change in the underlying system means more opportunities for unforeseen corruption. In data systems, efficacy based solutions (such as check sum checking) may aid in corruption or prevention. However, if there is a model for facing the inevitable failure of any system due to corruption, then this is the one. Replace the entire system occasionally and check the data constantly.

Hard programming to keep outsiders from entering the prohibited system may also slow innovations and bring on stagnation or economic disadvantages by making the system inaccessible for necessary change in the shorter terms necessary to maintain an efficient position. In light switches and dispensing machines this works well, the opportunities for corruption become entirely external to the corrupter. Stacking incorruptible systems one before another may offer some protections and modular replacement of system components would allow change over time. But this is a purely machine form of design and so any system designed to perform a single set of functions, even if not corruptible, and even if efficient, will become less useful as new needs and new tastes are found and new systems built to service the next need. Again, modular construction of this sort of machine may stave off completely anachronistic machinery lining the walls of buildings everywhere, but old systems will be hard to take down.

• It seems that corruption will intrude into any system, even if it makes little difference to important systems, and even if the system continues as it should after the intrusion. But restricting motion to stave off corrupting influences may stifle innovation and improvement, adding inefficiency more destructive than some minor or major corruption influence. So what is to be done?
  
  Firstly. Assume corruption is present and spend resources to control it only if the system itself is too valuable to allow corruption to enter into it.
  Secondly. Assume corruption will be introduced and create a system of social conditioning which abhors it, but allow dissent and innovation in treatment of corruption and soft policing and policy enforcement to maintain the status quo of low priority corruption influences.
  Thirdly. Disincentive-ize corruption by making systems open to inspection by other not involved in the system itself. This is the system most use today through password protection schemes even when no sensitive objects might be found within the system being protected.
  Fourthly. Routinely replace systems where they fail rather than patch them against exploitation. If a system proves too costly to maintain, because it becomes corrupted too easily, replace the system with a better model.
  
  Corruption is as it appears, as would a cold virus that might run through the population of any office environment where people meet in a manner close enough to spread a virus. Once corruption gets loose, the intentions of the office to allow close contact must change; removing contact at the onset of planning will be less efficient; allowing contact will become inefficient once the virus gets into the system, so to plan for both scenarios might be the most prudent path even if the virus cannot be stopped. Removing those people from the office who have virus symptoms decreases productivity and rarely will it stop the virus since the virus embeds without symptoms and spreads before symptoms occur. And the best manner for virus protection is the ability to self identify symptoms and take appropriate action, but this may open the door to other forms of corruption, such as malingering, and require other systems of prevention. Or you might simply understand that virulence will occur and act on it in a multi-modal manner:
  
  Do business as usual and monitor for outside and interior signs of infection.

• This is the current mode for information systems protection generally.

• Once identified, remove the infected to safe distance and allow functions to continue remotely as allowed by circumstance, or replace the infected with others, then clean everything of contamination. Continue to monitor and remove infection as necessary, clean again as necessary.

  • This is the enhanced system of backup and replacement in information systems built more robustly.

• If the system becomes widely effected by contamination, close up shop and try to work remotely in planned a fall-back system which negates the losses but is less efficient.

  • This is the model of most who choose not to protect themselves from system corruptions.

You might simply allow the virus to run its course. This is something nobody wants, but is likely the most prevalent. Political corruptions become entrenched until ineffective and replaceable. It is hard on systems and people to allow corruption to rule the day.

Each of the above steps is less efficient than the intended outcomes determined in a plan which does not include the idea of a corruption, but the manager who determines corruption likely will not occur is not building a system based on probability but instead basing assumptions on the mere possibility that a virus occurring in any closed system is very low. Neither are likely to be proven true over time.

Since most corruption is involved in political, economic, and informational, systems, these being the manner in which commerce and interaction occur generally, these are the areas most involved in becoming corrupted and remaining in that state without action. Removal of corruption is best accomplish by those who find themselves corrupted, but this requires self assurance, self-monitoring, and in the event of corruption, self-policing. Corruption itself cannot be avoided so long as advantage is the goal and efficiency very often opens a system up to corruption. Stern measures will do little to stop the corruption, even once it is found, since once established corruption is difficult to extract from the system. As we pursue efficient methods of controlling our lives, we open ourselves up to corruption and these may seem quite small at the onset while allowing further corruptions to occur which we did not expect.

By far the best means of combating corruption is to expose it openly, since most corruption involves attempts at remaining efficient in the effort while the advantages of the efficiency warrant care for others over profit. The potential for loss and fear of the unknown allows systems to be created which are more openly corruptible, or corruption becomes more difficult to slow once it becomes embedded in the system.

Therefore accepting loss, a planned form including some intermediate failure, is the key to removing corruption from the system by removing any motive toward corruption at its closet inception point. Accepting corruption as a likely outcome will negate the need for extraordinary losses, even if shorter termed profit might be foregone. Accepting loss due to corruption and accepting the attendant loss of profit (which is inevitable in any system) will allow a system to be built which fails and recovers quickly when compared to systems built otherwise.

COVID 2026

Our friend COVID is back and loose in the world. I am just today finished with the infection following two weeks of fairly horrible cold symptoms. We had vaccines last year so our troubles were perhaps less than those unvaccinated recently.

It comes on like a truck, bearing down from nowhere and moving fast. The main symptoms are over in a week but I can see there was some danger in the upper respiratory aspects of it in the first few days. Coughing until you are out of air isn't as fun as it sounds. Robatussin worked pretty well but the  muscle pain from coughing was three days of badness. This past week has been mostly chest congestion and brain fog, but cold pills do the job of slowing the cough. We spotted this as COVID right away because we had it in 2019. 

Mask up. Get the shot. Stay away from people if you can. Hopefully we learned the lessons of 2020, but the President likely didn't. If this gets loose like it did back then you'll need to follow better council.

Flock Cameras

What if, for no reason you know of, a man shows up wherever you go with a camera and a notebook who is taking your picture and writng down where you are and what you are doing? He appears harmless and you never hear or see him do anything with the stuff he is collecting. Perhaps this is simple neuvo people watching, something the kids are doing which is innocent and more than a bit invasive, but not illegal? 

You might call a cop because it is suspect behavior at the least, if only to put your mind at rest.

• But what if it turns out that this man with his camera is a cop working on some police project they are thinking of doing later if it turns out that the project is needed to protect us all? 
• He isn't surveiling you, as such, just a sample of the citizenry and you happened along.
• You might wonder why they don't simply announce it and get some public input prior to beginning.
• You might ask to be excluded, as is your right, and he would have to go away.
• But what if he didn't?
• Or you might ask the man with the camera directly why he is doing this stuff. 
• But what if he says it is none of your business?
• What if he threatens legal action against you for wanting to know?
• What if the next day he is replaced by two such men?
• Or you might get pissed off if you are doing nothing wrong because it is your right to be left alone.
• You might want to smash his camera.
• You might want to tear up his notes.
• But what if the police protect his right to continue doing what he is doing despite the invasion of your privacy?

Now change the scenario so that the man with the camera is lazy and flying a drone around and following your movements that way. He doesn't want you to worry about seeing him doing what he is doing and has all the best intentions. He promises not to use the information wrongly. What would the difference be to you?

And even if it turns out the drone is owned by Goodtimes Inc, a ficticious marketing company aimed at making you happy (just looking for the opportunity to sell you a boat because boats make people happy). Would it make any difference that they didn't ask if you wanted them to help you be happy or even if boats interest you, or if you wanted your picture taken?

Government needs tools to do its job effectively. That being said, Government has a process by which it goes about using those tools which is entirely subject to the will and consent of the governed and overseen by all of its citizens equally. Private companies have no such protective architecture in place. So when government circumvents the protections of the people's choosing and opts to contract surveilance it knows is marginally illegal and absolutely immoral, it is time to act to reign these things in. 

Today I am worried about something I needn't worry about but do: Flock Cameras. I won't go into what they are, Google will tell you all you need to know if you don't know. 

Yesterday I heard about Flock Cameras and did some cursory looking into it. Oregon has suprizingly few of these things compared to the rest of the country, but the few we have are still too many. Private companies are surveiling the streets and squares of the United States, photographing everything rolling by and logging the movements of every person in the country.

This has to stop and we have to stop it. Here's why. . . .

The fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution protects us all from unreasonable searches and seizures. You have the right to privacy in your personal effects and documents and this is a right which can be over-ridden reasonably once due process occurs, but otherwise this right cannot be violated. These cameras directly violate that right. 

It is no business of anyone where I go, and they have no need to know who I visit, where I buy things, or what I am doing generally unless I am involved in some sort of criminal enterprise that they are already aware of prior to my becoming a subject to their lawful investigation. Even then they have to follow process fully before invading my rights. But police are allowing these camera to be set up and then to sell them information which tracks me, and you. They do this by signing a contract which allows it that they themselves cannot simply end the contract allowed collection of data, so the contract is in force even without police consent or any intent of the police to use the data. 

The wrong here is not immediately apparent damages. The wrong is the invasion of privacy by "thinking machines" that know no rights at all. Why must I protect myself from being targeted by machines which collect data without cause? I don't want to be talking about this but it seems necessary that I do.

Yesterday I looked into these things.

I don't go many places, but the Fred Meyer on Imbrie has two of these things watching who comes and goes. So I wrote Fred Meyer and explained that I will not use the Fred Meyer on Imbrie so long as those cameras exist where they are. I said openly that I would join in protest of these things if I see one. But for a wonderful company like Fred Meyer there simply is no win in having these things on thier property, so why are they putting them in? What possible use is it to them? What bottom line issue does this improve for them or their customers?

It really doesn't matter why Freddies  did it. Whoever made that decision ought to be fired and go to work for ICE or the CIA because that is where these sorts of people thrive. But that I have my picture taken, my license plate photographed, the make, model, color, and details of my car logged, and the movement of me and my effects through the world checked. This is a problem looking for a justification. Not a problem requiring a just solution where all are concerned equally that Flock cameras solve for us all. 

I Wonder Where This is Going

It might sound strange, but I write about three thousand words a day, some days a lot more. There are a few days where I don't write, but mostly I do. This story is just over 3400 words and seems the entrance into a book of maybe ninety pages. What I'm putting up here appeared as a first draft to a book  introductory idea I had woke to a few mornings ago. The flow (how these things emerge) came with the eleven chapters and the epilog included, but grunting them all out onto the page is going to take some time. The vision also came with three or four follow up books . . . So many years of work I might never do. . .  Like most of these I will outline it and put the thing away in a file for when there's time.

The Road to Almitra
Fragment by David Smith, All rights Reserved

    1.1 I'm writing this incognito.

If I had used the professional name I put on every  article I write, the person finding this little story might bring into it part of an opinion about what they are reading. For a writer this is not entirely a bad thing. I've written a daily sports bi-line for more years than I can remember; that's no exaggeration since  I really can't remember quite a few of those years; they often sort of blur into one another. But if you were to ask me about a specific game, or some trivial firing of a manager that hadn't ought to have been let go, something specific, I could probably tell you the whole story; or at least enough of it to fill two columns of half sheet print. I write a syndicated bi-line that seems to be pretty well received. Just ask my manager “Manny” (not his real name). He's the one that puts the checks in the account and he seems mostly happy it. At least it seems to put money into an account. I've never seen it. But I've never been able to empty out either; and I really tried; more than once.

I have an easy writing gig, even though I cover the weird sports stuff people don't usually watch on television and never hear on the radio. Articles about The One Horse Race (with literally one horse in it), or the big game of actual Native American Lacrosse played in a meadow outside of Detroit. The Native people play these unscheduled games to stop a blood fued from getting started, but there's definetly blood on their sticks at times. The sorts of Sports on my beat usually aren't about the statistics which enthusiasts love to ponder. Writers like me, that can tell a good story about Gaelic Football, or let you feel the heat of Fijian Rugby culture, put something less serious between the meat and potatoes of horse races with more than one horse in them, or sports where statistics matter. It is a pretty good gig and I seem to do pretty well at it. It seems to pay the bills. Just ask “Bill”, my accountant. (Again, not his real name) My name simply isn't why I'm writing and the story isn't about me.

No. This little story is about the single most interesting man in the world. A guy who is either the biggest and best liar I ever met, or maybe the best there ever was. A man with a story so absolutely weird and unbelievable, but told in a way that it comes out as honest somehow, that I spent eleven weeks letting him tag along with me as I flew from place to place, gig to gig. I mean to say that this old man is something new.

I'm a writer. I have to tell stories and I couldn't stop it if they chopped my arms off and sewed my lips. But this story is one of those deserving to be told. So let's just settle in for a while and get it done. Each story starts at the beginning. The end comes later on.

    1.2 The Beginning

Like I wrote a minute ago. I am one of those guys who is lucky to be doing what he does. I fly somewhere that sounds exotic about twice a week, then I sit next to with someone who is likely pretty famous where he lives, and watch some sort of game that is interesting but doesn't get a lot of notice.

This story begins on a Thursday morning at about five A.M.

I was staying in a townhouse my Booker had set me up in for two nights. (For the sake of creative consistency we'll name him: "Booker"). I don't like hotels so I stay in houses people rent out to tourists and visiting professors. I'm told I own a few of these places by Manny and assume I rent them from myself at times without knowing my name is on the paperwork. I was in Boston to cover a strange South Boston neighborhood game involving mild violence and some pretty good cheese (I'm not kidding.) 

Anyway. I'm leaving early for a plane out of LeGuardia International, but I'm in Boston. The plane out of Boston Logan is iced firmly to the ground and I have to be in Spain the next day so I had Booker get me one of those ride share guys to drive me the hundred, eighty-five miles to a plane that might actually fly today. At exactly five A.M. an old guy in a light gray Prius four-door showed up.

I had to load my own bag into this odd little hatch-back before settling in for what promised to become at least three hours of ungodly morning freeway traffic, uncomfortable seating, and fast food scenery. Note to self: put a bruise of some significance on Booker next time you see him.

The old man driving wore one of those dark blue Greek fisherman's hats that looked black because of the early hour and general lack of lighting on this residential street. The driver had set the front passenger seat so that it laid deeply into the space usually reserved for back seat passengers' legs and feet and had put newspapers onto that empty front seat until they would probably slip off onto the floorboards of the stupid little car if he had to stomp the brakes. So there was no front seating and the only place to sit in back was directly behind the driver. The little old man had his seat set far enough forward that I would get enough leg room and since I was tucked in behind him I wouldn't have to engage in conversation and hear all about his lovely wife and the no-good son he also loves. I thought about mentioning the lack of seating but figured I would need to pretend to be sort of pissed off about it, so I let the opportunity to fiegn indignation go unspoken. So I got in without saying a word and he put his foot to the floor before I could find the seat belt.

This rapid aceration was strike two on the guy's decreasing tipping card and I said “and the count goes two and oh” out loud, but quietly enough the man didn't seem to notice. Gravity, or what airplane pilots call “g-forces”, and the unexpected power of a Prius meant we were going to make good time getting to New York. At this rate we might make it out of Massachusetts before what they ironically call "The Rush Hour" began. "Rush Hour" is a daily occurance where nobody gets to rush anywhere and that's at least two hours long.

People once took commuter trains to jobs in Manhattan from Massechussettes. Now they all join the throng of freeway bi-passers with jobs in the Outer Burroughs. I never had the sort of steady job people thought of as cool in an outside burrough sort of way, but I guess it might have been interesting at some point. Who knows? It might seem much more trendy and hip to work where you might get mugged and actually talk to a cop if it happened. Mugging in Manhaten is thought of as a toll on pedestrians unaware of the way things are; calls are largely unanswered by police.

As we sped through yellow lights which turned red halfway through the intersections neither one of us said anything for what seemed to me, a talker without any off switch, to have been a long time. Once we go to it we drove along the freeway at a speed that would certainly provide a quick and merciful death should something go wrong, all the while wildly weaving in an out of traffic. I was guessing from the nearly white hair and completely white beard poking out of the bottom of the hat that my driver might be sixty something, maybe older considering his smallish stature. With wordiness welling up in me I searched for the hook I needed to make talking less about me somehow, though I think we all know the truth.

Hanging from the rear view mirror was a cross and what appeared to be a rosary. Both of these were much larger than you'd expect so let me help you out with a visual: Picture in your mind a standard Catholic rosary, then make it bigger and then triple its size. The thing was huge when compared to every other rosary I even saw, and I come from an Irish Catholic family with an Italian Catholic mother. We had a few of these rosary things laying around on nearly every surface not covered by pictures of Jesus or Mary. This cross was different somehow. If not in form or function, different none the less.

“That's quite a Rosary,” I said. I pointed to the thing but was pretty sure he couldn't see me do it in the rear view mirror.

“Yep,” the man replied, suddenly weaving into the “fast lane' for two seconds before bailing back out because “fast” was not over there at all.

Okay, I thought, nobody gives me any one word answers. “What's the deal on it.”

“It's a Rosary.” The man said, just loud enough I could hear him in a mostly electric car that was proving to be pretty well made and didn't rattle.

“I can see that,” I said. “What's the deal on it?” I repeated the question, and then wondered why I was trying so hard. I really had not intended on getting into any conversations but somehow found myself opening up a can without a label. No telling what was going to come out of it.

“No deal,” the driver said, “I'm a Catholic right now so there's a rosary hanging off the mirror. If I were Jewish there'd probably be a Star of David. I don't know what Muslims hang off of their mirrors but the Hidus and Buddhists hang a ton of stuff off of theirs.”

“I know it's a rosary,” I said, really trying not ot have any sort of jerkiness in my voice. “”It's pretty impressive.”

“By that you mean big?” He said in this same even and almost too quiet voice. “Yeah,” he said, “It's pretty big all right.”

“So what's that all about?” I ask. I was getting more and more curious about it. Now I think I needed an explanation. “Why is it so big? Where'd it come from?”

“Why do you care?” The man ask his question without anger, but there was at least some anger to it.

“Well I'm a Catholic too and that cross looks big enough to have a story worth hearing.” I was feeling like I should say that I am sorry to have brought it up in the first place and then to remain quiet for the rest of the trip. The he answered before I could shut the hole in my face.

“Okay then,” He said, this time a bit more emphatically. “The cross isn't a regular rosary. It's a belt rosary. The sort of thing monks used to wear to keep their wool robes closed up. The Beads are actually chestnut shells worn smooth and turned black from a long time of use and endlessly repeating counting of the Stations of the Cross. The cross itself is said to be of the same wood as the one Jesus got himself nailed to, but I suspect it isn't since it is Spanish Oak. There's no Jesus on this one because it's old timey Jesuit and those guys didn't want to see their Savior killed all the time.” The man stopped and adjusted his rear view mirror so that I could see his bespectacled eyes, which seemed to be crinkled with humor lines. He stopped talking for a moment, “I hang the thing up there because if it's in your pocket it pokes everything it touches and gets tangled up in my keys.” He smiled, though I couldn't see his mouth. “Anything else you want to know?”

“Where's you get it? Antique store or something?” I wasn't feeling like apologizing anymore. Then again, I wasn't feeling like apologizing any less either. Just looking for a way to get out of this conversation and not finding one.

“Fellow gave it to me a long time ago.” The man said, but I could tell more was coming. “It's a funny story. He was about to be burned at the stake and handed it off to me, a stranger, as he climbed up onto the scaffold.”

Okay, I thought. So things just got a lot more interesting then and now I have a story to tell. “Burned at the stake huh?” I said this like it happens all the time. “Rough way to go out.”

“I've seen worse," the old man said happily, "but you probably don't want to go that way yourself.” The man was obviously smiling when he said this. Like his smile originated at the back of his head. “They don't do that sort of thing much these days,” he continued, 'that's good enough for me.”

“So what did he do to get himself roasted like that?” I was having fun now. Fun is alwasy about agreeing to rediculous stuff like this.

“Back then you really didn't have to do anything. Just hang out with the wrong sort of people, read the wrong book maybe. The Inquisition finds out and the next thing you know someone is poking you with scissors or tearing at your balls with old pliers. Dominicans used to be a lot tougher back then.”

“I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.” I said this figuring it was funny reference, but with old people might have been too vague.

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”

We sat happily for a while after that. I had found my way out of the conversation and we go to LaGuardia about an hour before I had budgeted in my schedule. Breakfast time was unexpected, the trip did not end in a firey car crash, and the conversation was lively and entertaining. The guy deserved a good tip. But in the time of this conversation tipping was done by the person booking the trip, in the case Booker, who did this sort of thing for me, had probably added a fifteen percent gratuity onto the bill despite having to pay for the return trip to Boston. I decided to let loose of a one-hundred dollar bill I carried around for “just in case”.


    1.3 Okay, this is where things get strange.

When I saystrange, what I mean by that is that things happened that I didn't expect and these things developed into a whole big bunch of weirdness nobody could expect. So let me get though this last bit quickly and we'll start in on the really strange stuff in the next chapter.

As I was pulling the one-hundred dollar bill out of my wallet, a move which was as generous as it was me showing off, I heard a voice in my head say the following “Ask about the Road to Almitra”. This voice between my ears was clear, in my own voice, and absolutely used the word “Almitra”, a word I never heard before or used in a sentence.

I have a real good idea about how my mind seems to work. And I like to think the reason people like me is that I listen to my conscience and do the right thing for the most part. The little voice most people hear in their heads is that conscience voice and I think people probably ought to listen to it more. Most people probably have this sort of little voice and the sick ones probably listen to it, even when it says to burn down the local Elks' Lodge. My little voice never says anything about the Elks and I feel pretty good about listening to it. This time the voice didn't seem to be the same as it always had been, and it wasn't telling me to do something evil, but I decided to ignore it this time. This isn't what happened.

As I held out the hundred dollars, instead of saying; “thanks for the ride', which would have been expected, my mouth said: ”Do you know the Road to Almitra?”. Just as clear as day. Out it came.

The tiny little man, maybe five foot four and built like a coat hanger, opened his door and got out of the car. He came out quick and easy, considering that he looked to be eighty-something years old. If there had been time I might have expected to hear his joints creaking. After all he had just sat through four hour of driving.  As his face finally came into view he looked straight ahead into my chin and then and stood there for half a minute doing nothing.  I wondered if I was about to get punched for saying something wrong. I didn't know what "Almitra" meant. Maybe it was an insult in his native language and I had crossed some line into rude behavior without meaning to.

A for the potential for violence I figured I could take him. I was maybe half a foot taller,  half his age, and of Irish descent. I like to think I can defend myself if needed, but I have really never had to fight with my fists. Not even in Junior High School when this sort of thing happens quite a bit. But it didn't come to that.

The little guy looked down after what seemed a long time and seemed to talk to his shoe laces:”What? You been expecting this for a long time? It had to come someday.” Then he turned back toward me.

I was trying to figure out his accent. My ears liked the sound of it. His voice seemed smooth and foreign. Not scary like Korean or Thai, which are hard on western ears. This one was like a lovely brown sauce that added spice to a hearty dish with potatoes in it.

I was still holding the c-note out to him, so he simply had to reach out to take it out of my hand. But he left my hand hanging out  for a longish time until it seemed he might not want the money, but then he took the paper with a nod of thanks broke the tension.“Let me guess,” he said softly, in a clear voice, “you don't know why you just said that?”

I didn't have time to formulate the lie that I needed to tell to get out of the hole I dug myself and didn't answer right away. 

“I'll take silence for a yes then.” His thick accent didn't get in the way of him speaking, but it did force him to use fewer words at times. “Yes, I do know the Road to Almitra. He then simply re-entered the car and slammed the door harder than it probably needed. “I suppose I should to tell you about it.”

As if it were some sort of magic trick, a business card appeared as he stretched an arm out the open window of his Prius. I reflexively grabbed it to take a look. “You can do any of three things with that,” he said while pulling his seat belt over his narrow shoulder. “The smartest thing would be to call me if you ever need another ride to the airport. But you might simply throw it away as well. Then there's a third possibility. ” There was a hesitation to this next sentence. “You call me and I will come with you and tell you how I came to Almitra.”

For some reason I still don't understand what the guy said didn't seeming like a bad idea . Red flags were waving around in my head but it wasn't like he was asking for something right now. “What is the Road to Almitra?” I ask what seemed a perfectly reasonable question. “Why don't you just tell me now?”

The little man laughed, “Let me answer the last question first. It will take time because it is a long answer and your mind must be prepared to hear it. The Second Question is less simple. I cannot possibly tell you now because we are parked in the White Zone. They hang people for less at LaGuardia.  Nor can I prepare your mind to accept the answer in less time than it might take that cop walking our way to tow away my car.”

Undeterred I quickly answered: “I travel every week, so you'd have to go along with me.”

“We will have fun I think.”

“I'm not sure you can always go where I go.”

“I can and I will.” He said this as a matter of fact and was pretty believable.

“So let me ask you this. What good will this do me?”

“No good I think. At least nothing you can use.”

“Can I write it down?”

“You can roll it up and smoke it for all I care.”

“I'll think on it and give you a call.”

“It seems we have at least some agreement." His heavy foot hit the accelerator pedal and he was gone.

    1.4 So let's wrap this up.

This guy says he'll go with me to tell me about something I know nothing about which will do me no good. It will take some undetermined number of weeks and he'll tag along with me everywhere I go. I'm figuring I'll have to pay for all of it. But tonight I'm eating Paella in Barcelona and a loaded bagel in New York for breakfast. The most interesting day of my year so far.

 So I'm in.

The Opossum Buddha by David Smith

 A spoken word thing of one minute length.